The Unremarkable Times of Nico Di'Angelo
by LoserFaceWow
Summary: Summer's here, and so is Nico. It can only get worse or better depending on how you tilt your head and squint. Rated M for cussing, drugs, and maybe some sex, if Nico can ever get his game on.
1. Chapter 1

The Unremarkable and totally unfabulous life and times of Nico Di'Angelo

Disclaimer: Tis' never mine.

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Oh hello, I didn't see you there. My name you ask? Oh you didn't ask? Too bad. Nico Di'Angelo at your fucking service. Yeah, it's not nearly exciting as I'd like, or exotic enough to have girls playing horizontal cowboy with me. Maybe if I could manage a guido or fake Italian accent that would change? Nah, I doubt it, not with my rep.

You see kiddies, I'm a demi-god (oh you know you're jealous bitches) at the rather infamous Camp Half Blood. One of the big three, my pops is that necrophiliac dude, Hades. If you ever talk to him, I was totally joking in that last sentence, and I swear he's never fucked a corpse. No lie. So, let's begin.

A few years back, my cousin-brother-guy-thing Percy Jackson took down Chronos in a soap-opera worthy epic, and shit's been pretty chill since then. Five years ago to be exact.

Since then, he and his girlfriend Annabeth have frolicked off to college. Can you believe the audacity, the sheer gall of them, to leave little old me to fend for myself? Just to "study" (FUCK), party, and figure out their life together? Ugh, I feel sick to my stomach thinking about them and their disgustingly atrocious displays of love.

I really don't want to throw up that awesome pizza I had earlier, so I will stop there (but I can never un-see). Life isn't as outrageously tormented and angst-brimmed without them, I just have a talent for dramatic flair.

So in this day and age, us wacky demi-kids have been on some quests, singing around the campfire and shitting rainbows and all assorted things associated with the epitome of gay. Well, not all of us, but as a child of Hades, I figure I am genetically pre-disposed to lurk in the shadows and commit no-no's of the worst kind.

My friends (Yes I have friends. No, they're not held captive) and I enjoy scaring the shit out of others and smoking as much pot in the forest as we can, so in all technicality, I guess I crap out as many rainbows as the other campers. But I will firmly put this out there; my rainbows are so much more colorful and gay than everyone else's, and my eyes can commit to the perfect tone of red. I bet nobody else can say that, huh?

So besides being a creeper and a pothead, I've had my fair share of adventuring as well, and I always make sure to trip that one annoying little pecker on the quest so he can hobble back with a broken ankle (I am not mean spirited, that kid's just a total prick, scout's honor. Wait, I was never a scout). Life's been pretty good, barring that one unfortunate incident when my father abruptly called me into his underworld throne room while I was stoned out of my mind. We'll talk about that another time.

But indeed, things are about to get better. Some of the older demi-children, like my bro Percy and Annabeth are coming to visit camp this summer. The best part about this is most of them (including my two favorites) have not frequented this place in a couple of years, and woo-boy is it going to be fun to show them who I've become and the anarchy I am capable of reaping (my father is extraordinarily proud).

Even better, they're all staying for the whole summer, and I think I just jizzed in my boxers thinking of the amazingly awesome possibilities. I have t-minus 12 hours (it's seven p.m. now, they arrive at breakfast time) to prepare. Grab your goggles and floss, kiddies, there's gonna be a shitstorm, and it's no good to have corn in between your teeth.

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AN: I'm here, not queer, and get used to it? Tah-dah, I am back, and worse then ever. After completely falling into a mud-pit in that Potter-verse story I failed at writing, I have finally managed to will enough brain cells to at least slowly limp out of it. My take at what I believe could be a hell-spawn Nico without the guidance of Percy and Annabeth.

Inspirational song of the day: Rock the House; by The Gorillaz.

Until next time….


	2. Chapter 2

**And so it begins…**

**Disclaimer: 'Twas never mine.**

**Songs of the day: Le disko, by Shiny Toy Guns, and I'm Awesome, by Spose.**

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There's a beautiful aroma in the air today, clinging to the oxygen in my cabin and coaxing me gently to do naughty things. What smell you ask? The smell of tangy summer air in the early dawn, sweetened by anticipation and pure, powerful discord to come. Percy, Annabeth, Grover, and all those other fuckers will never know what hit them. Today's going to be a great day, but I do believe I should get what I'm going to wear picked out.

Shit, the black shirt with demons on it or the red one with grotesque zombies and monsters? And, yes before anyone pouts, I am totally infatuated with cliché Hades child look, who wouldn't be? It provides me with power of intimidation (my growth spurt helped too), a stylishly dark flair, and the sexiness of a hundred Aphrodite kids combined (please don't tell them I said that, they're fucking creepy when they feel like they've been challenged to a fashion duel).

But I digress, and I choose my black demon shirt, and some more black everything, and just for the fuck of it (today is a day to dress to impress, and when I say impress, I mean scare the shit out of) a pair of combat boots and some spiked and studded bracelets. Damn, I am really playing up the cliché here, but it's just too much to resist. I will even forgo brushing my hair today, so it can retain a spiky and sex mussed look. Oh yeah, that'll be the shit, I'll look fucking hot, like _hawt_ hot. Yes, there is a difference, don't question me insolent mortal (I feel like my daddy right now, ew).

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_An hour or so later._

It is now six thirty A.M., and you'd be hard pressed to find anyone else out in the forest area right now. Even those lazy fucking magic pixies and shit are asleep (I always call them by their wrong name, it pisses them off so greatly and leaves a beautiful taste in my mouth, politically incorrect statements are fun, kiddos) and it's always best for them not to be around for this.

You might be wondering why the hell (saying Hades in place of hell sometimes creeps me out. Don't judge.) I'm in the forest this early, and alone at that. Go on ask me;

_"Well golly gee, Nico, why in the heck are yah in the forest all by your lonesome this fine morning?" _

Why what a fine question! You see boys and girls, I'm here in anticipation of a Wake n' Bake session. I had the idea while I was brushing my teeth. You see kiddies, I figure if I'm going to blow my cousin's mind, I might as well do it in the best way possible, meaning completely stoned. As an added bonus, breakfast will taste a heaping deal better as well.

As I look down at the pipe in my hand and the baggy of weed in the other, I realize there's a great deal of grass here. Shit, should I call my idiot friends to help out? ….Nah, fuck'em, they don't even wake up in time for breakfast anyway, and I don't feel like sharing as all good little boys should.

I put the ganja in, and light the bowl as I take a pull. I hold and exhale. Rinse and repeat. This could take a while….

* * *

Oh shit, bro, I feel so…I don't know haha. Yeah, I'm stumbling my way to breakfast and as I squint at my wristwatch through red, glazed eyes, I notice that it is seven ten in the morning. Awesome man, they're all totally here….I wonder if there are pancakes and bacon today? Oh gods, let there be bacon and pancakes, I'm so hungry, I could kill and molest a centaur.

Wait, isn't the expression about eating one, because you're hungry? Hahaha, who the fuck cares. I can see the breakfast place now, and, oh shit, there's so much orange. It's like, a gathering of oranges, all talking about the quality and growth rates of Florida oranges. Oh wait, those are campers right, not people sized oranges? Why always so much orang-FUCK YEAH! There's food everywhere. I skip/run like a madman and sit down at the Hades table (yeah, they have one now, along with my cabin. All courtesy of Annabeth, barring the table. That credit goes to the furniture store). I pull a plate in front of me and stare in awe at all that glorious food.

I decide on those pancakes (mmm, pancakes) and some bacon, and I giggle (manly giggle, like a manly guy thing…what was I talking about?) and douse the contents of my plate with chocolate syrup. Goddamn, that looks orgasmic…

"Nico, is that you?"

Without turning around to see who it is, I shout;

"FUCK YEAH IT IS BRO, WHO YOU BE NIGGA?" and hear complete silence behind me. I feel really paranoid right now, and tuck my fork behind my left ear as I stand up and turn around.

Badda-bing, badda-boom, Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase stand directly five feet behind me. I grin dazedly at them. They walk closer, and wow, the sky is such an outstanding shade of blue today. Like, if the sky was the ocean, and the ocean was the sky, I wouldn't be able to tell the differ-

"Nico, are you okay?" Percy voice cuts through the haze of my thoughts. I look at him and Annabeth. Percy is about as tall as me, and only thing different about him is his hair. It's a bit longer. Annabeth looks the same, except I'm pretty sure her tits grew. Oops, cannot stare at major boobage for too long, not without the risk of a sea crab getting plunged into my ass.

"Oh you guys, it's been so long, how have yah been", I chirp happily as I squint my bloodshot eyes at them with a shit-eating grin. This seems to snap Percy out of his contem-contempl-contemplation and he gives me a one-armed man hug. As he backs away, Annabeth does the same, except it's not a man hug; it's an awesome girly boob hug.

"Been good, Nico, but wow you look different. You really like that evil Hades kid cliché, huh?" Percy chuckles as he gestures for Annabath and I to sit down with him at my cabin table. I notice them both eyeing the fork tucked behind my left ear, and I remove it quickly, placing it on the table. Why the fuck was there a fork behind my ear? Are there wizards around? I snap back to reality and Annabeth smiles at me,

"Yeah, you've really grown quite a lot, and that dastardly evil thing works on you", she says with a teasing tone. I giggle like a little girl as I tuck into my food, eating loudly. I giggle a lot. Do fireflies giggle? Wouldn't it be amazing if fireflies were out during the day as well? Like ten million fireflies, and you wouldn't believe your eyes, as they lit up the world-

"Dude, what the FUCK is wrong with you this morning?" I hear Percy say and I belatedly realize I was singing that Fireflies song out loud. Again. Hmm, I need to work on keeping things in my head. In my head, I see you all over me, in my head, you fulfill my fantasy-and I was doing it again. Shit. Both of them are looking at me now, and I do believe that is suspicion corroding their faces.

Annabeth speaks first.

"Are you high, have you been smoking drugs?" Her question is loud and exclaimed in an authorative tone, and Percy looks at my eyes and his widen noticeably as he notes the redness. Annabeth sniffs me and gasps loudly at what smell she finds. I let loose another feminine giggle, and I ask in a strangely accented voice,

"Define high…"

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**Alright everybody, I'm back pretty early. **

**So concerning:**

**Certain phrases and some of the wording: since I chose to write a narrative first person, I figure that I would use the Dialect/ Grammar of the speaker. Since Nico is an NYC kid just like me, I will use the slang of NYC sometimes.**

**To Blackandwhitephotos: He's straight, but he's kind of flexible with his orientation when it comes to flirting, just for shock-value. (You'll see this later on)**

**Songs aforementioned: Fireflies, by Owl City and In My head, by Jason Derulo.**

**Until next time….**


	3. An unremarkable breakfast

** DISCLAIMER: DO NOT OWN.**

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I was still giggling like a complete crumb (it's still kind of difficult not to fall into my thirties slang) while Percy and Annabeth stared at me, completely shocked at this turn of events. The Nico they had said goodbye to definitely would not be slouching haphazardly in front of them, chortling around the yummy breakfast delights shoved into his cram-hole. Well gosh; it is really quite rude and unbecoming of them to gaze upon my visage with such blatant disapproval clouding their faces. I tell them such. They look even more scandalized. I shrug, and breakfast marches on in (what I believe is) companionable silence. Just when I'm about to devour my last piece of bacon, I realize something. I scream like a bee is making love to my petals (it has happened once, when I was a daffodil, and how the fuck did that bee get into the goddamn underworld?) Percy and Annabeth look up from their plates, startled, and I unceremoniously grab my plate and clumsily run over to the fireplace at the eating area.

There is a curious silence all around me, and I throw my bacon into the fire and wail out;

"OH GODS, DAD I'M SO SORRY! THIS IS THE SECOND FUCKING TIME I FORGOT TO OFFER SOMETHING, PLEASE DON'T SEND YOUR BITCH OF A WIFE TO TURN ME INTO A DAFFODIL, I LOVE YOUUU!" I end my begging with loud, terrified, irrational panting. Hey, if you were as high as I am right now, you'd be hyperventilating too.

Dionysus is staring at me, entirely impassive to my melodrama. Chiron looks flat out incredulous and pissed (he really shouldn't be either; I pull this sort of shit a couple times a year. Seriously dude.) For a moment the silence reins supreme, until a few people shriek and book ass from their tables. Why? Because they were sitting in a shaded area, and the shadows suddenly sprang to life, coming at me like an angry crack addict. I just sigh, and let them encase me snugly, no use fighting fate.

The floor is front of me gives birth to a skeleton adorned in the worn down robes of a foot soldier from the dark ages (one of my father's favorite points in history, where people dropped dead from the bubonic plague). It marches toward me, ominously, and everyone else in the area (barring Percy who has out Riptide, and Annabeth who grabbed her dagger) is holding their breath, afraid for me and themselves, respectively. I look over to Percy and Annabeth, and give them a reassuring look, and they relax their stances a bit. I direct my attention to the foot soldier, which is standing right in front of me now, close enough that I can feel the chill of the Underworld radiating in waves off of him. He raises his bony hand and…flicks my nose, with extreme force. Like, hard enough that a THWAP noise is echoing in the rebounding silence. The shadows release me from their grip and I cry out in pain, my hands immediately shooting up to my smarting nose. I pout, and the soldier crumbles into ashes. I trek back over to my friends, looking at them for pity.

"Um, wow. That was odd; your dad sure has changed, hasn't he?" Percy says hesitantly, awkwardly. I nod, and sit down. Annabeth turns to me with such seriousness that I think I've suddenly had that fork magically tucked behind my ear again.

"That…was utterly hilarious." She says with a straight face, before she bursts out laughing, Percy following suit. And suddenly, the spell of silence has been lifted and everyone is laughing at my father's eccentricity and my misfortune. Even Chiron and- AND FUCKING DIONYSUS THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS SMILING. I feel so betrayed, completely gob-smacked, that I cannot even process it. I'm too stoned to identify all this betrayal, so I laugh too. And then cringe instantly as my nose smarts again. I sullenly glare at all these off the cob bastards, who won't be smiling later when I ask some demons to wait under their beds until nightfall.

I hate my life sometimes.

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**Terminology:**

**Crumb: Social Outcast, loser. **

**Off the cob: Crude People, rude.**


End file.
